He’s just not that into you
Chapter 6
I was debating doing a chapter about this but I would say this really was the start of my breakdown. I was in Joseph with a cast that were so wonderful. I met some friends for life on that tour.
On stage I felt happy and content, offstage was a different story. So I got a call from First dates hotel saying we love your application we have found you a man. I couldn’t quite believe I was going to be on TV. It wasn’t an aspiration in my life but I have always wondered how it works. More then anything I wanted to meet someone.
I arrived at Naples with a group of random people at the airport, they were the other potential dates. Obviously not my potential date as he was being hidden from me. First night I stayed in a really weird hotel with china dolls in, the morning after I got picked up and got taken to the Amalfi coast. It was stunning. As soon as you get your mix and that little blue car I was in went past that gate you were being filmed 24/7.
So I turned up to my date after having a day of filming me by the pool doing press ups. I saw this man at the bar my potential future husband. Said hello to Fred and he dropped me off at my date. I saw him and thought hmmm interesting choice for me, I felt nervous as he wasn’t my normal type. Then he started talking and in the words of Beyoncé, he had me at hello…..
Our heavily edited date is something different to the actual thing. On camera he was a joy. I couldn’t stop thinking I have met my future husband and I actually thought he felt the same….. How wrong could I be.
His story about his mum was touching and I thought he was gorgeous. And going from thinking who an earth have they put me with to please marry me. He liked Tennis, he liked Cher lloyd and loved theatre too. What more could I want.
Now we go to the end of the restaurant date. It goes to the interview when we say are we gonna go on another date.
His vibe changed, like a switch he seemed awkward about me and cagey. He wanted me to go first so I did and said yes I want to see you again and he said it too BUT something wasn’t right.
As we went to the pool bar off camera I felt he was there maybe more to promote which is absolutely fine and I get it. I don’t judge him for that and he told a wonderful story but the change in someone off camera is terrifying. I can’t be anything but me. Real. Maybe that’s my problem.
In the end he said I needed too much reassurance etc.
Hang on is that a bad thing? Yes I suppose it is. Maybe I should play a game not text back. Skip to the next day and you know what happened he said no. My heart dropped and I felt embarrassed. The worst thing was I had to stay with him all day then stay in another hotel with him and go for dinner.
To sum this up……. Be needy, need reassurance, feel free to text that guy back straight away because that’s your authentic self. Yes I don’t filter (apart from my pictures.) But dear future husband, I hope you can take me for what I am. Sadly I think my date wanted me to be some cool gay who wears no socks and doesn’t text you back and is super confident, basically bless him don’t think he was looking for love anyway.
I left Naples vulnerable, emotional and with so much self doubt. Then I pressed a switch I like to call self destrut……. I needed attention and fast, he didn’t give me it so I was out to find it from anyone. This my friends is unhealthy. I wanted to be accepted, appreciated, needed and loved. But my god if it was love I wanted post first dates I was looking in the wrong place. The week that followed was something of a nightmare. I arrived back in London……………
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