The hours that followed

“There is a beauty in the world, though it’s harsher than we expect it to be.”

Coming out of a mental hospital you think you will be healed and have a eureka moment. That was not the case at all. The cold mornings continue and the heavy jolt of life became my every day. Heavy jolt meaning my brain taking over and my heart beating fast. With nothing to wake up for apart for my beautiful family and friends the world looked greyer then it was. That sinking feeling when the phone rang. I would pick up the phone and it would feel cold even if it wasn’t cold. This time period I would liken to a bright sunny day that looks like the greyest dullest day you have ever experienced. 

Ok, ok I know this sounds depressing. Sometimes the truth is depressing. Some funny things about this time. I seemed to smell a lot. Im not joking guys I stank. I looked like a homeless man. My dad used to make me laugh always trying to crack a joke, my mum telling me Jamie everything is going to be ok and my sister proud of me for making a sandwich that day.

My family….. What can I say the they are the sunflower that guides you to the light, the home you always want, the one thing that can make you smile when you feel like death. My mum, a lioness who protects her cubs, and the fiercest goddam kindest woman on this earth, the wolrd is truly a better place with her in. My sister, the Holly Willobooby, Mollie King beautiful radiant soul. A dark room is a bright room with my sister in it. My dad, your rock, rockstar and best friend. The man who can fix any situation calmy with love.

The days were hard. They felt like years. The thundering feeling of nothing. The juxtaposition of horror and nothing rolled into one. Taking medication was hard for me. For some reason I hated it , no I despised it. I know, I know its so good for many people but being a creative person I felt like it was sapping me of me. Drugs I took, Mirtazapine, diazepam, Quetiapine, Rispiridone, E citalopram and some weird sleeping pills. Don’t worry I didn’t taker them all at once but this was the cocktail of numbness the feeling of dull. Calming……. Maybe, nothingness yes. The one drug for me that really stuck was Rispiredone, an anti psychotic with a sting in its tail. So lets talk to the devil, doctor google. I do the worst thing you can do I look up the side effexts of this beast of a drug.

Weight gain

Dizziness

Sleepliness

Itching 

Suicidal thoughts

You guessed it I got them all. With this drug the cure was really worse then the thing itself. I stopped the drug cold turkey. Please do not do this yourself. Do the opposite. Go to your doctor and be advised. The days dragged on. My highlight was going to bed at 830pmevery night and closing my eyes was the happiest of places to be. No numb, no feeling just nothing. But wait whats this. It’s the sunrise. Its hope.