I did it my way

I did it my way

Chapter 10

“And now the end is near”

First of all Thankyou for reading. Sometimes it hasn’t been the most upbeat of blogs. I hope you can relate in some way.

To put it into a nutshell going from being in a mental hospital in October to go forward to May I have my own buisness with a wonderful partner Sophie. I have an amazing agent Russell. I’m excited to maybe get back on the stage in panto. And I do the most wonderfuk classes with some lovely women.

Flashback to September. “The cold jolt of life that hit me in the face when I woke”. The Christmas that I was around loved ones and felt numb. Waking up and running to the local shop to get my next hit of nicotine. Smoking 20 a day. (May I add I’ve been smoke free since February) Go me. Waking up at dawn and the first thing that came into my head day after day after day was how will I die tonight. You can’t explain why but you must do it. Dreaming of culver cliff, wanting an injection to end it. Endlessly going through google trying to find what heavy plunge to death would be best for me in the uk.

One day I woke and I felt bad. And I googled suicide spots in the uk. I came across beachy head. One of the top suicide spots in the uk. I actually booked a ticket. I didn’t go.

In the lead up to that long christmas I bought a rope from b and q. Yes I know what you are thinking, so Jamie was thinking about milking himself. I suppose I was. But would I seriously go through with it. Well to lighten the tone folks I’m rubbish at tieing knots.

The hell I put my family through. The selfishness and tunnel vision. The cocktail of drugs I was put on to numb the pain. The reverse effect of the feeling it gave me. The lack of motivation, my drive and most of all…… me. I lost me. I didn’t recognise myself. I didn’t care how I looked. I had this thing in my head that I didn’t know how to dress anymore. And if you know me you will know I love clothes.

I am telling you this not because I’m cured. No I never will be. But there was a light that shon. A pause was given. I don’t entirely believe in god. But I don’t believe god gave me a pandemic. But he gave me time. Sweet, paused time. No pressure, no expectation. Please never think I’m promoting a pandemic that kills. But I took something from time. I was supposed to go on a ship for a year.

The ship got cancelled, half a sixpence on the island got cancelled. In a way life as we knew it got cancelled. And like a heavy force being lifted off me not suddenly. It wasn’t as if lockdown hit and I did the Macarena. I felt sheer panic over this pandemic. It wasn’t COVID it was me. Slowly but surely I helped mum create classes on zoom. I was out with my dad walking the dog on the beach. Suddenly it came to me. Some might say a eureka moment. “Dad I’m gonna set up a my own buisness” Dad, “you what?” Me “yeah I’m gonna set workshops up on zoom”. He laughed and said “Do you have a poo bag?” I rushed home and stayed up till 3 am messaging all of the people I have met a long the way in theatre. And the response was something I hadn’t expected. 90% of them jumped at the chance. Then I re connected with my friend from college Sophie. I told her my idea and she said yeah I will help you. And we both said what a lovely hobby it will be. Sophie is the order, drive and structure of the business. She isn’t just my business partner she is my friend. I’m so lucky to have her with me. We told ourselves it will be lovely for us to have a vehicle where we can pay our friends and have a little bit of money to buy some groceries.

Fast forward to now. We held a Matilda workshop with attendance of 100 children and it sold out. This buisness isn’t just for lockdown it’s for as long as we love it. We will now be going into face to face workshops when this is over. We hold broadway and westend and now tv wokrshops. Hard work has paid off.

No I’m not cured. No my mental state isn’t perfection. But I’m being kind to myself. And for once I can say…… I’m proud of myself. Do I love me the person I am….. No but I’m learning to love myself. Be kind, be you and don’t give a F#%# what anyone else thinks.

Thanks for reading

J x